How am I now? Am I still okay? Is my personality still intact? It's very hard to explain and to share what I've been through these past few years. I am ready to share this with my readers, (I need to take a very deep breath!) Maybe yes or maybe not? But I need to, for me to see my life as a very beautiful one. I'm always locked on my past that I want to forget. I need to do this, I need to bring it out (oh wait, I need to shout out first so that it will give me the strength to continue to tell my story) go shout! Wahhhhhhh! Yes, I need to write it down so that it will be my opening door to clear my mind.

I have 2 sons, that I need to consider every time I make a decision. But in my situation at that time, I need to decide, for my family's sake. But, how? 

Before this pandemic, I have a rough relationship with my husband. The struggling situation for us as a family. Then I remember the saying at that moment, "Ang pag-aasawa ay hindi parang kaning mainit na kapag sinubo mo at napaso ka eh pwede mo itong iluwa." (Marriage is not like new cook rice that you can spit it because it's hot.) Not at all! It is very hard for me, emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially, I'm lost!

When we decided to get married, we have a job. I told my husband from the beginning that, I will work, I told him that I will not stop working even if we have a baby because we have a lot of dreams to achieve. But things change! I resigned from my first Job (which is by the way going on my 6th year in the company.) because I need to have a baby. After all, it has been two (2) years already that we've been together. I remember when I heard, even though it was brought out as a joke, still it hurts. They said that they're going to bring me back to my family because I couldn't bear a child at that time. That was the reason why I resigned, to get pregnant. It's hard for me to get pregnant because I'm a workaholic. And wish came true, I gave birth to my eldest son. I did sacrifice for my family. 

Another sacrifice that I made for my family was to give up my work again, but this time because of my 2nd child, who was diagnosed with mild ADHD. He needs me, no one will stay as Yaya for my kids because the youngest son is very hyper. That's another big decision I made for my family. I remember one of my bosses said that I could be promoted if I only stayed in the company, but my son needs me. Only a mother can indeed do so many sacrifices, patience, and love for their kids. This is indeed another sacrifice for my family.

It is very hard for us that only one working, it's very hard, though there are some writing gigs and bloggers events, still, it's hard to survive. Until my husband resigned from his work due to health conditions at that time and he needs to help his mother in taking care of his bedridden father. That was really hard! Days, weeks, months passed by, everyday expenses, and even our savings were already used for the daily needs. There are times that we experienced having our bank balance below maintaining, that most of the time were penalized by the bank. "Isang kahig, isang tuka," (literal translation is one scratch, one peck) I don't know what's the more equivalent phrase for this but we were totally at the bottom. No source of income, few writing gigs, and blogging events. Bills piled up, expenses rises and no enough food. I just cried in one corner questioning myself, why is this happening to us? 

We did not come from a rich family, we graduated from college because of a scholarship grant, that's why we know the feeling of living a poor life. We've been here with our parents before, but why my kids need to experience it also. I don't want my kids to experience it. Both our families helped us with our food and bills, but that's not enough, of course, because they have their own family to take care of as well until our electricity was cut off. If you think that it's an MMK story, think again because there's more. I decided that we should have separate lives. Maybe, if we can go with our lives separately and if we are not together we can do something. We applied for a job but still, we can't get a job. Maybe we are not meant to each other, we need to have a different path so that we can achieve better lives. But it's hard to decide because we have 2 sons, but I need to decide because I'm so lost, I don't know what to do. I decided to bring my kids to my parent's house, and stay there a the time being while I look for a job. Little by little, it turned out that we are leaning toward separation. I already had given up! 

Pandemic came! Oops, the decision has changed! That time the only quotable quotes that you can see on social media are...

"You don't need to be rich to survive in this pandemic era, because the enemy is a virus that you can't see. Even if you are the richest person in the world, when you contracted the covid and it's severe, money can't do anything. You need to fight the Covid, you need to be healthy all the time."

"Life is so short" give your best time with your family together. Then suddenly do I need to pursue my decision to live separately from my husband? What will happen to our lives, "bawal lumabas" (we're not allowed to go out), it's hard to go around applying for a job, the economy down. How we will survive in this situation?

"When it rains, it pours," that's what they say! There was so much help or Ayuda that we got. Yes, for how many months we just stayed inside our house together with my husband and my kids, we were able to survive. We survive from the everyday food and other necessities, but the bills, accumulated to almost a 1 year. We can't pay our bills especially the electricity. The good thing about it that the electricity wasn't cut off. (til now, we still have six unpaid months of electricity bills for the year 2020), that's because we don't have work yet. We don't have a fixed income. Few writing gigs, and minimal events through zoom, are still a big help for us like the food and other loots. At the back of my mind, I need to set aside our relationship problem, we need to be strong for our family to survive on this pandemic. 

I don't know if it's a wake-up call or God's way for us to survive with our lost relationship, that's for our kids. Our relationship gets tight because we need to help each other to survive this pandemic.

I am just thinking that maybe we need to be in that situation to make our relationship strong and we need to consider a lot of our kids in every decision. We fight for our lives that's why we need to survive. Because of this, we accept different freelance works such as writing gigs, events, and online stores. I sell anything online just for us to survive. As we do everything just to survive with our daily lives neither of us noticed that our relationship as a couple, is also surviving. 

God works and on perfect timing! We all just need to wait the right time to happen. It will come and you'll get through all the hardships in life. Just hold on and don't give up! Thank God, as I am writing this, we received good news. Hubby got a call and he's now working again. We will have a fixed income again. Thank God! I am also hoping to work as well so that we can help each other and have a happy life again.

We have a lot of dreams and it was stopped because of the problems came to our life. This time, even there's still the pandemic, we hope we can achieve it one at a time. it was a roller coaster life. In one of our conversations, we were actually talking about when can we go and travel again. We don't have many travels, we only have here in the Philippines. We've been to Baguio, Batangas, and Palawan that was when we were still two, but now, our family travel was only in Marinduque. As of now, it may be hard to admit, but we haven't been to Boracay. Hopefully, if things are well okay to travel and it is safe our family can go to Boracay! I was hoping that I can use my #DateWithMyBoys in Boracay! 

It's really nice to dream things, especially if you have gone through a whirling storm in your life. It makes you even stronger and ready to face any problem in life, especially if it is for the family. I always put my family first and it is always one of my big things to consider when making decisions. Also, don't give up, you, we need to survive!

I hope that my untold survival story (especially to my friends who knows me) can give enlightenment, mostly to those people who are experiencing the same thing as mine. And thank you for letting me share this kind of story. I can now exhale, no more worries, no more emotional pain! I have kept it long enough and I hope this can give me peace of mind. 

This story is an entry to ComCo Southeast Asia's "Write to Ignite Blogging Project Season 2: Dear Survivor". The initiative continues to respond to the need of our times, as every story comes a long way during this period of crisis. The initiative aims to pull and collate powerful stories from the Philippine blogging communities to inspire the nation to rise and move forward amidst the difficult situation. The "Write to Ignite Blogging Project" Season 2 is made possible by ComCo Southeast Asia, with Eastern Communications and Jobstreet as co-presenters, and with Air Asia and Xiaomi as major sponsors.